This sucks so much to write, but I feel like I have to get it out. If I don’t then I may just hang on to it for too long.
My mom died a few days ago. It was one of the most heart breaking things I have ever had to endure so far in my life. First it was knowing that it was going to happen weeks before. Just living with that information changes you. Is the next phone call or text gonna be the one? When I was younger my dad passed away suddenly you didn’t get a text, you got a phone call on your landline. I was just a kid and I really didn’t have much support after it happened. There were no warnings, no updates, no getting to sit by his side listening to his breath weaken while you give your tearful goodbyes. Just a phone call.
This time around I am much older, a husband, a father, and so much more responsible, but I still feel as helpless now as I did then. Even with the support of my wife and family. Coming to terms with the idea that this is actually going to happen to it actually happening is still cracking my mental foundation.
It’s hard for me to talk about my feelings and express them properly, but I guess that’s what I am doing here. Blogging therapy…. Well, she didn’t die from the coronavirus thankfully, but she did suffer from some liver and kidney issues that slowly progressed from bad to worse over these last few months. I lied to myself and thought that she would miraculously recover but deep inside I kinda figured this would not be a road to a happy and healthy recovery. The doctors and nurses did all they could. My sister and my aunts did an amazing job taking care of her this past year. I cannot thank them enough for all that they have done…. and my step-father, I know he is hurting, losing his friend, finding and using his faith in God to find his own peace and reflection during this chapter in our lives.
I thought maybe I could push through it all and be as strong as I have been. It’s pretty hard to maintain a charade of happiness when inside all you want to do is break down. But I’m managing it pretty well. When I answer the phone I just push my feelings deep down. When my kids run up to show me something that they think is exciting, I need to turn it up and match their excitement. It’s best that they not see me falling apart. So I’ll do what I’m suppose to do. It’s what we men are known for right? Hiding our feelings.
It’s crazy to think that because of the coronavirus my mom won’t have a “regular” funeral. Only a select few get to attend a memorial service while the rest can view a live stream of the event. It’s sad to think that many of those that were a part of my mom’s life will not even get a chance to say goodbye in the way that many people are so accustomed to. This can’t be a new normal.
I will miss my mom, but what I think I will miss more is being able to see her interact with my children. I already miss what could have been with my dad and my kids, but knowing what was there with my mom and these two wonderful kids, that hurts a lot. They will never get to see their Nanners again, never get to giver her another hug and ask for a snack like they were notorious for doing. It’s sad to think about and…. yeah… it. sucks.
There’s so much that I am gonna miss. I remember when my daughter was just a little baby and we would go over to my mom’s and “grocery shop” from what she had stocked up. Her over buying helped us so much during that time, not to mention all of the other times she had helped us in some degree or another. I could fill this blog with posts about her kindness and doing anything she could to help her kids as well as her grandkids.
I know my wife Destiny will really miss you too. You were always so caring and sympathetic, and would always just be there to lend an ear if needed. A shoulder to cry on if wanted. A truly compassionate person that never judged. The times you have helped her get through her struggles can’t even be counted on both hands. She wrote a very heartfelt post on Facebook about you that summarizes the type of person you were and how that wonderful personality affected those that you connected with.
I will miss helping you with your computer questions. Things I took for granted like you asking about backing up data, or needing my help installing a web cam. As easy as they were I now wish they took ten times as long to do just so I could have spent a little more time with my mom. I’ll never forget how excited you were when I showed you a “hack” so you didn’t need to use your Sims CD when playing the game anymore… or the time when you found yourself in the rabbit’s hole called Kazaa and you would download anything you could.
I’ll miss your tacos, your gardening advice, and how the accent of your voice would change after hanging out with your sisters. I will miss learning from you. Even when I grew up and became an adult I still learned from you even though I thought there wasn’t anything left to learn. There is so much that I will miss, so much that I could list various things for days. For now I will just hold onto the memories. I won’t ever forget you, I will miss you Mom.
You can share a memory and view her obituary here.